


You Hear The One About The Mage And GroundHog Day?

by JahStorybook



Series: Anders/Hawke and Some Hot Angst [2]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mages (Dragon Age), Templars (Dragon Age), Temporary Character Death, brief mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-02 15:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21163880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JahStorybook/pseuds/JahStorybook
Summary: Contrary to the title this is actually not a joke fic.Hawke died, Anders woke up. Hawke died, Anders woke up. Hawke died... Anders started to lose his mind.While Hawke is cursed to keep repeating his death in new ways, Anders struggles to keep him alive.





	You Hear The One About The Mage And GroundHog Day?

"Anders!" The pain in his voice was gut wrenching, but I didn't dare to face him. I didn't dare to open the door. This was for his good. This was necessary. "Anders, help me! Please!" I walked away.

* * *

My body ached. For two days now I'd been trapped down here. The magic was being sapped out of me through the chains around my wrists, preventing me from leaving.

Why was he doing this? Why would Anders lock me up? I'd woken up to him leaving me alone in shackles! No matter how I called for him, he'd not spoken to me in the time I'd been down here, but I could sometimes hear him breathing on the other side of the door.

The ground beneath my legs shook, unbalancing me further. With my magic weakened and my body tired, I was left defenseless as the entire wall collapsed beside me. Unable to shield my eyes, I instead turned my face away. When the dust settled I looked up at the swarm of templars piling into the room. The current knight-commander was with them.

"The Champion of Kirkwall, chained to the floor like a dog, waiting for us." She spat, surprised to see me in this state. As if I'd even dignify her with a response. Just as they were about to unchain me, she stopped them. "Wait. We risk him getting away if we cut him loose. We'll perform the rite here." 

"No! Stop," I gasped, pulling on the chains and knowing they'd never give. Not after Anders enchanted them. Two templars moved to hold me down, keeping me still while another prepared the brand of tranquility. I'd sooner die than be a tranquil slave. Even Anders would. 

"Keep him steady." I fought it, using as much of my strength and magic as I had I fought it. But they were too strong, and I was too weak. There was banging on the other side of the door, and I wondered who was coming to witness my death. My beheading. I couldn't turn my face to see as the door swung open, but the flare of light clued me in as to who it was. 

* * *

I threw the door open, my heart pumping. Templars had flooded into the room, and held my love down where he lay chained. As I seen one holding the brand of tranquility, anger and fear overcame me, as did Justice. 

"Stop!" I roared, but it was too late. They had sealed it, and Hawke was laying still on the floor. It took me a matter of seconds to kill every templar in the room, saving the new knight-commander for last. Her eyes held only fear as I raised my staff. Good, fear us. Fear the wrath of Justice.

Justice relinquished control back to me, so I spun around, my gut in knots as I looked down at him. Hawke was still laying still on the floor, his slowly blinking eyes open, but staring at nothing, the brand on his forehead still smoking.

"No!" I dropped down to my knees, pulling him into my lap. "Hawke, don't do this." But he had no say in the matter, really. Not anymore. The effects were already taking hold, and with the last bit of his own mind, he grabbed my hand.

"Don't cry, Anders... Just, do it." And then it wasn't him anymore. "Anders?" It was his lips that moved, and his voice that was used, but it was not Hawke who spoke. Not my Hawke. 

Suddenly, while I shut my eyes, everything was gone. Gone once more.

"Anders!" It happened again. What more was I supposed to do? "Anders, help me! Please!"

"Hawke?" I opened the door to look upon him, just as he was yesterday. For him,he'd been chained down for only a few minutes. "It's alright, Love." He wasn't tranquil. He wasn't tranquil, but it would all happen again. I fell before him on my knees, my chest heavy. I had witnissed the future once more. I felt as though I experienced even his thoughts this time.

"Anders, don't do this! Don't leave me down here!" He still doesn't remember, I suppose. Even Justice didn't know what to make of this. Neither did I. 

"Hawke, my Love, you are in danger." He pulled on the chains, as though not even hearing me. "I'm going to release you, but you have to promise me that in two days, you'll do as I say."

"You know I trust you Anders. You know that and still you've done this to me!" I stood up, breaking the chains as I picked my staff up and slammed it down. Hawke stood on shaky legs, confused. "Why do you look so sad, Anders?" 

"I've watched you die." Rather than immediately deny or justify my words, Hawke just stood there, his eyes wide. It was the same everytime I tried to tell him. Blankness, confusion, sometimes denial. But he always beleived me in the end.

"You mean in a dream? It wasn't real, Anders." I shook my head, turning away from him.

"Not a dream. I saw you, chained up in here, with templars all around. I lived two days further into the future, and saw them hold you down and make you tranquil. Just as I've seen them cut out your heart, rip out your throat, chain you to rocks in the sea. I've watched you die over and over again." It made no since. How was I seeing his demise, and why could I do nothing to stop it? I remember everything about those two days. I remember staying up all night, exhausted but too worried about Hawke to close my eyes. Other days were a blur, spinning forward to the time he died.

"Could it have been Justice?" He that allowed me to do so, perhaps, but he that caused it, unlikely.

"No, I don't think so. He is just as confused, I can feel it. But it was as real as here and now. I held you in my arms, I felt you." Hawke didn't look at all concerned for himself.

"Maybe it's a second chance. To do things different." There was no way I'd do things the same. 

"Either way, I'm sorry for all of this. This thing with magic and locking you up, I'm so sorry, it was all for nothing. It didn't work..." Unsure, Hawke stepped closer and took my hand.

"These past few weeks you've just been breaking all the promises," he said quietly, his hand trembling in mine as his strength slowly returned. "Don't tell me you'll also start regretting us?" Not in a million years, I thought to myself.

"You are the one thing I could never regret. The one thing I'd never want to change. We'll make sure those templars never get here." He smiled, and I leaned down to pull him in close, my arms closing around him.

* * *

Two days had passed quickly, and we were surrounded already. The knight-commander was caught off guard only for a moment.

"I don't know how you figured out our plans, but it doesn't matter. You will still lose regardless! And if we can't have you tranquil, we'll have you killed." There was no time to do anything, no time to warn him. Hawke stumbled forward, falling to his knees by my side as he was cut down from behind. 

"Hawke!" A templar stepped forward, pulling the sword from Hawke's back and kicking his dying body over. His eyes turned my way for a moment, looking up at me as the templars surrounded me. Then, all feeling fled them, leaving him an empty corpse. "No!" 

* * *

"Anders, help me! Please!" His eyes still haunted me as I barged into the cell, falling forward to unchain him. He didn't retreat as I freed him, but I knew he wanted to.

"Hawke, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I don't know what to do!" I have to figure this out. I have to find a way of stopping it, but how? 

"Anders, I don't understand. How could you do this to me?" How indeed? I sat down beside him in the dungeon. Wait just a moment, why did I start restarting here in the dungeon? The first few times I restarted in bed, and now I'm starting here. At least an hour later than usual. Maybe it was nothing, or maybe I was running out of time. I should have realized it sooner! If I don't find a way to save him soon, there won't be any time left.

"I didn't want to Hawke. The knight-commander is coming for you and I thought this was the only way to save you. I've been cursed, Hawke. Cursed by some magic that I've never seen before. I have seen the future and lived it, over and over again." Hawke, his eyes watery, stood up.

"When you say she's coming for me, and that you saw the future... do you mean she succeeds. You saw me..." I nodded, a tight knot forming in my throat. 

"I failed you. So many times." Immediately I saw the change in his stance. He looked determined. 

"I can defend myself, Anders. I'll go to them, and I won't let you see my death again. I promise." That would be appreciated, but I had the sinking feeling that he would break that promise. He grabbed my staff and got up, leaving me in the room. It was only when he slammed the door shut that I got up as well.

"Hawke?" As I tried the handle and found it was locked, I didn't know what to expect. "Hawke, you have to come back, you can't go after her alone!" Through the small bars at my eye level, he reappeared.

"I promised that you wouldn't see me die again. If I let you out and let you come with me just for us to fail, I'll have broken that promise. I'll tell Varric to free you tonight, when I've got a head start." With that, he disapeared. Gone. I knew Varric would come free me sooner than Hawke instructed him to, but I wasn't sure it'd be soon enough to get to him.

* * *

I arrived at the templar castle late the next night, and there was a chanting coming from within the walls of the courtyard. Varric was with me as we entered the gate and snuck around to a side entrance. Though it was crowded, no one recognised up, due to our heavy clothes. We made our way through the crowd, and I nearly fell to my knees when we found the center of the templars.

A podium had been erected, and upon that podium was Hawke, unconcious and tied down with ropes. He was surrounded by bundles of sticks. My heart beat sped up as I realized what they were planning No! Not like this! Not like this!

"Blondie we have to get him out of here!" Both Varric and I rushed at the podium, our main goal to knock Hawke off of it, but we were stopped by a wall of Templars who grabbed ahold of us and forced us to our knees. They were going to make us watch!

The knight-commander came into view from behind the podium, and stepped onto it to grab a fistful of Hawke's hair and jerk him upright. As he came to and seen us, he began to struggle, his eyes wild. 

"Don't look, Anders! Don't look!" But I couldn't tear my eyes away as the knight-captain doused him with oil and stepped off the podium. The templars kept on chanting as she took a torch from the captain and raised it high.

"Hawke!" Varric was fighting tooth and nail to get free, and I let Justice take over in an attempt to at least stall the knight-captain. It did nothing as more templars were on me in the second. I was beaten down and thrown closer to the podium. Justice gave control back to me and I was left sobbing and scratching to get closer to Hawke as the captain lowered the torch to the sticks doused in oil.

Flames roared up instantly, covering Hawke in a single moment with impressive speed. He screamed out as the fire scorched his clothes and his skin, his voice full of absolute agony. The sound of his screams almost deafened me, and I wished they had as I could hear my name coming from the shrill pained shrieking.

I was forced to watch as the flames flickered higher and his screams got louder. It didn't take long for him to go, but every second of it was excruciating for him, and I was for once I was thankful he wouldn't remember this. 

* * *

"se- don't do this! Please!" I banged on the walls of the cellar, my chest heavy.

"We'll try again!" 

But even this time, it wasn't enough to gather everyone we knew to help us. By the time two days were up, everyone was exhausted. We'd guarded him from everything and it still wasn't enough. 

This time it was death by drowning.

* * *

"Don't do this! Please!" I'm back in the cellar. I've started coming back later and later, there's no doubt about it. I turned around and threw the door open, my heart racing. Hawke was chained down once more, desperately trying to pull his hands free, despite the fact that he knew he wouldn't break free. I nearly threw up at the sight of him, unscorched, eyes where they should be, and completely in one piece.

"How do I fix this!?" I cried out, kneeling in front of him. Momentarily confused, Hawke stopped trying to get free and scooted closer to me, concerned even in his own fragile state.

"What's wrong? Fix what?" I looked up at him, thinking, contemplating. How many second chances do I get? How many paths are there to take? I've tried chaining him up down here in the safest place in Kirkwall, I've tried waiting it out, and setting up protective spells. We've tried hunting down the templars, and ambushing them. Nothing works.

"Listen to me, Love. In two days, you are going to die at the hands of templars." I could see he looked confused, and just as he opened his mouth, I put my hand over it. "I seen it. I've seen it and lived it. It feels like we've been caught reliving your death for weeks. It wasn't a dream. The first time it happened was upstairs, in our sleep. The knight-commander had planned on making you tranquil, but had to kill you when we woke up and fought back.

At first I thought it was a simple nightmare, but when it all happened again, I knew it was real. I tried protecting you, waiting for them while you slept, unaware. In the end they still got to you, killing you while I watched, unable to do a thing.

After that I told you and you actually believed me. You ran off and confronted them, and of course they killed you. We tried to confront them, reason with them, offer them anything in exchange for your life. I told them they could have me, but it wasn't enough. Everything just resets so I chained you up in the dungeons to keep you away from everyone.

But even here you were not safe, as the templars entered in through the dungeons. We brought the fight to them just last time, only for your skull to be crushed into a wall by the knight-commander!" Hawke flinched at that, but whatever image he'd conjured up was nothing in comparison to what I'd seen. "I can't let you sit down here and wait for them, but we can't seek them out. There's nothing we can do."

"Anders, listen to yourself, this is crazy. Unless Justice suddenly made you psychic, how could you have possibly seen all of that." Easier to convince him last time. 

"I don't know how, all I know is that unless we do things carefully, I'll lose you again, and each time I do, a little part of me dies with you."

With his chains unlocked, Hawke stretched his arms out and sighed, closing his eyes.

"If this is true, and not just a wild delusion, why don't we draw them here and ambush them?" He suggested, leaning on me for support.

"I guess it's worth a shot."

* * *

It was almost time. I turned quickly to look behind us, and then looked around the room. There was no one.

"It's been two days, Anders, and there's been no sign of Templars anywhere near us." Is this the one? Are we safe? 

"I... I think we're... going to be okay." Hawke smiled, standing up to come join me. "Yes, we're going to be just fine."

"That's where you're wrong, Apostate!" No! From the hall they poured in, dozens of them. The knight-commander looked smug, and all of a sudden I knew that she knew.

"What have you done? What deal did you make to bring us here?!" Of course! She's got access to mages. Mages who she can force to make dealings with demons.

"You can't escape your fate, and neither can he!" She lunged for Hawke, urging me to pull him out of the way. We fought off dozens of templars, and even killed the knight captain. When they were all lying dead at our feet, I turned to look at Hawke. Although he looked exhausted, he was alive. I dropped my staff, stepping over to him with a sigh of relief.

"We've done it!" His eyes grew wide as I went to embrace him, gasping. "Hawke?" Just below his half-raised arm, an arrow dug deep into his side. The knight-captain fell back, her crossbow falling from her hands.

"You'll never win, mage. Accept his fate." 

* * *

I was back in the dungeon, this time already kneeling before Hawke.

"Please!" 

"I will not lose you to her! We'll try it again!" I shouted, my voice echoing in the small cell. Hawke looked frightened, his eyes uncertain of me. 

I tried many more times to save him, and upon what may have been my thirty-fifth try, I was beginning to lose hope. We'd tried everything, but none of it worked. Pushed from the roof of a castle, stabbed, strangled, staked, made tranquil, burned, drowned, and even crushed at one point. He was killed over and over before my eyes. 

"It doesn't matter what I do, or what I change," I whispered, sitting against the wall and watching him.

"I don't understand, Anders?" He was already unchained, but I'd told him nothing. Could it be that he couldn't be saved. Was all of this for nothing. Was I condemned to spend our last two days together knowing he'd die and knowing there was nothing to be done about it? 

"Just tell me what to do!" Hawke jumped slightly, his eyes shifting to the door. He didn't trust me. Maybe he thought I was finally consumed by Justice and Vengeance. Maybe he was right. To my surprise, he crawled to my side, his legs weak from the chains.

"Tell me everything, Anders. I'll sit right here and listen." There was only one option left. Why hadn't I thought of it before?

"We need to run, Hawke. We need to leave and go as far away as we can!" 

* * *

She was silent as I pinned her against the wall. I glanced down at Hawke, my chest tight. It usually resets by now. Maybe he's still bleeding out. 

"When does it end!? What am I supposed to do," I shouted, my voice echoing around us. She pushed my staff up a little, but I held it fast, only allowing her room to talk.

"Kill him. With your own hands, I don't care how as long as he sees it coming and knows it's you." I was silent. She couldn't be serious. 

"You mean the only way to end this and save him is to... kill him myself? How do I know that he'll come back? No, you must be lying!" The knight-commander smiled her hideous smile, glancing down at Hawke with a sly look.

"He'll return, but he'll remember you striking him down. The only rule is that you mustn't tell him why you're killing him. You'll listen to him plead for his life, and when he rises again, you'll have to face his... justice," she said humorously. Could that really free us? Could I bring myself to kill him? Would Justice let me? I could feel that he was actually okay with this. Anything was better than an eternity of watching him die. Or worse, losing him for real.

"And all those times he died? Will those affect him?" I asked, pushing harder on her throat. Despite the choking for air she remained composed.

"He'll come back undamaged, and will no longer be cursed to die." But if he comes back remembering what happened... Will he be able to handle that? I pressed down harder, watching asher air way was cut off and not letting up until her death had passed. 

A blink and I was not back in the dungeon, but in bed next to Hawke as he slept. I decided to take a few minutes to simply enjoy what we had before getting up and leaving.

* * *

Kneeling before me, Hawke didn't beg for mercy. In fact, he accepted his fate alarmingly without question the second he saw it was me and not some spirit or demon come to take his life. That almost hurt more.

"I'm to die at your hands, with her sword? After all this time... I never would have guessed. What are you waiting for, then? Do it." His words were strong, but the tears rolling down his face and the quivering of his entire body contradicted that strength. 

"I love you, Hawke. I... can't... I love you." Closing my eyes, I pushed the sword I'd stolen from Aveline deep into his chest, tears falling down my face as Hawke gasped, his hands coming up to grab at the blade, the edges slicing deep into his palms.

"Why," he asked when I opened my eyes. His hands held the sword tightly, blood dripping down his wrist. Just reset already, I thought to myself. I was unable to endure any more as he coughed up blood. Taking the sword once more, I pulled it out and tossed it aside. As it hit the floor I fell down and pulled him into my lap, holding him tightly. At least like this he'd bleed out soon. "Anders, I love you." 

"I love you, too. And when you come back, I'll accept any punishment you desire." His eyes closed, and his breathing stopped. No heartbeat. He was dead, time to reset. I watched him, waiting. Nothing was changing, and more tears came down my face as I wondered if he'd really come back. "Come back, Hawke. It's time to come back." 

* * *

We were back. Hawke was in our bed and I simply stood staring at him asleep. He was laying on his stomach, breathing and alive. The scar on his back where I'd hit him months ago was visible, and I recalled his reason for allowing the wound to stay there. He was right, I do feel like an arse.

With little care I reached forward and ran my hands over the scar, watching as he shivered and rolled over, waking up. Time to face his judgement.

"Anders? What's going on?" He sat up, looking around and then down at his bare chest, checking for any sign that what happened really happened. "I think I just had a very vivid dream..." A small sob escaped my lips at that, catching his attention. "Anders?"

"It wasn't a dream, Love. I killed you, Hawke. I ran you threw with a sword. I watched you bleed out, and I'd do it again because... it's better than the alternative. Hate me, kill me, it doesn't matter anymore." There was silence, but I didn't dare look up to see his expression. 

"That wasn't my dream," he said quietly. I looked up in shock, my heart beat quickening.

"What? You don't remember? Hawke, I killed you!" He shook his head, sighing.

"You had another nightmare, Anders. As you can see, I'm just fine." No, no, no. If he doesn't know, then the whole thing resets. She said he'd remember. Why doesn't he remember. 

"Please, Hawke. You have to remember! We were by the fireplace, and you were on your knees. I ran you threw with Aveline's sword, and you cut your hands trying to stop me!" He sat up, pressing his hand against my face, stopping me. 

"Nope. Don't remember. And you shouldn't either. Move on, forget the nightmare, Anders." Then it hit me. He does remember! And he's pretending not to for my sake. He's telling me to forget about it, but why? He can't know why I did it, surely. Did he trust me that much? 

"I love you."

* * *

"So you remember it, too, then?" Varric nodded, his face dead tired. Everyone had come over to Hawke's estate to talk about these weird few days, and even though it was getting late no one seemed keen on going home to sleep. Apparently the only one who didn't remember his repeated demise was Hawke himself. Since they remembered I explained everything to them, leaving out the part where I killed Hawke. Me and him had agreed to not speak of it.

"So you were there for all of them," Isabell asked, sitting back in her chair. They wouldn't be so calm if they knew what I'd done. 

"Yes, every single one of them." And they were all burned into my memory. "The curse was more on both of us than just him. He would die over and over, and I would be forced to watch."

"And Hawke? How's he handling it, now that it's over," Varric asked. Fenris and Carver leaned in, curious to hear my answer. 

"I don't think he's handling it at all. I don't even know how much he remembers, to be honest. He hasn't talked about it, even when I mention it." 

"It feels as though my very soul has been shredded, but I don't really remember any of it." I sighed, not looking up as footsteps came up behind me. Hands snaked around my neck to rest on my shoulders. "Not really, anyway. I can sometimes feel what I felt then, though, when I close my eyes..."

"Why didn't you say something," I asked, turning to face him. He looked so worn out, just like the rest of us. 

"Because I don't want to bring up bad memories. You guys had a really hard time trying to keep me alive." Carver looked ill thinking about it, and I didn't blame him. The knight-commander forced Carver to watch as she slowly slid a dagger across Hawke's throat and splattered him with his own brother's blood. 

"You've been staying quiet for our sakes? We weren't the ones ruthlessly killed, Hawke!" Varric put a hand up to stop Fenris before he said something to make this worse. 

"But you were all forced to watch me die. You won't be able to move on from it all with everyone about it." I don't think any of us could forget even if we never spoke of it again in our lives. 

"I know it's not really your thing, but if you truly remember then you need to talk to somebody about what happened to you, Hawke. Me and Blondie watched you get torched alive, that's not something you sweep under the rug." Though that particular memory was worth forgetting, if any of them. Hawke shook his head.

"I told you, I don't remember! Leave me alone." Isabell stood up, her face serious.

"Just how many times did they make you suffer? How many different ways did the knight-captain make you scream?" Her words had the most effect on him. Hawke turned away from us, breathing quickly and his hands balled into fists.

"Stop. I don't need to talk about anything, and I don't need to relive the details!" Fenris caught him and locked him in his arms before he could leave, allowing Carver to continue on from where Isabella stopped.

"I watched you choke on your own blood, brother. You were butchered so many times, with nothing left of you but a pile of raw bloody meat. How many times did you spend the last few minutes of your life in terrible pain, agony being the last thing you could think of or feel?" Hawke sank to the floor, trying to block out the words but Carver grabbed his hands, letting Aveline take over.

"You were choked, burned, drowned, stabbed, cut up, made tranquil, chained to the ocean floor, and beaten to death without mercy multiple times over! Hawke, you don't get to just try and forget all that and pretend you're okay, because it will eat you up inside!" Hawke was barely staying upright, and he fell against Carver when we were done, his body trembling. I crouched down next to him, placing a hand on his arm.

"Love, it's alright. You can be afraid. You can be upset. You can take time to heal from this." Holding onto his brother's arm, Hawke didn't look up at me. 

"It hurts. I can still feel it, all of it. My skin, melting off my body-" he choked out, his body shaking so much that his brother had to hold him steady. "It hurts, it hurts so much and I can't do anything to stop it because it's not even happening anymore! I don't even remember it happening, so why does it still hurt so much!?"

"We'll get you through this," Carver said as he pulled him in close, his eyes dark. I'm sure that was the first time he saw his brother show weakness. He didn't show it often, even to me. Even when he was being killed over and over again, not once did he beg for his life. I wonder if that was the only solace he got. 

Merril looked more than a little shaken up, so Isabell took her home while Fenris, Aveline and Carver took Hawke upstairs. I was left with Varric, my stomach twisting into my throat with nerves. 

"Were we too hard on him? It's only been a few days, maybe we should have given him time." Varric sighed, sitting down.

"More time to build up his walls and shut everything away? Trust me, if he doesn't face what happened, he'll never be able to move past it." I nodded, sitting with him. 

"I guess." We were silent for a few minutes, waiting for Fenris, Avelein and Carver to return. 

"So," Varric started, "how did you stop the time loop thing." I froze up, looking away from him.

* * *

I may sometimes feel overshadowed by my brother, but I loved him like any other family. To see him die, over and over again, had taken its toll on me. I was dreaming about it every night, reliving the moments his blood splattered all over the ground and me. Feeling nothing but cold lifeless meat as he slumped against me.

"Hey!" I looked up, confused. Aveline was holding up a bottle of antivan brandy, her face saying it all.

"Thanks," I said, accepting it and taking a drink. She'd seen just as much as me, I suppose. 

"Well, you looked like you needed it." I handed it back to her, and the two of us stayed quiet. Fenris came out of brother's room, his face rigid. When he saw the brandy he held his hand out, his gaze dangerous. Aveline handed it to him, just as she'd done for me. 

"He's asleep now, but I'm not sure how long he'll stay out," he said, taking a drink from the bottle. 

"If we're lucky, at least an hour,” I said. "These past few nights I've been here he's been downstairs handling business and going through old letters. He barely sleeps, except for when Anders makes him."

* * *

"It was a demon curse. I broke it." Magic stuff, maybe he wouldn't ask any questions.

"And how did you do that," Varric asked. How could I tell him that I took the word of the knight-commander and killed Hawke myself? 

"It's complicated," I said, standing up to go upstairs and ignoring him call after me. Aveline and Fenris passed me on the staircase, both of them looking down. 

"It'd be one thing to know it happened, but to still be living through the pain of each of those deaths... I don't know if Hawke can take that," Aveline said quietly as I stopped. Fenris looked worried as well, but there was little I could do. There was no physical wound to heal, so I couldn't just heal him and make the pain vanish. All I could do was lessen it. Maybe it would pass on its own, but something told me this was something only time could heal.

When I got to our bedroom, Carver was leaning against the door, drinking. Hawke had invited him to live with us, saying he could stay in what use to be their mother's room since it was all boxed away. To my surprise, Carver took him up on the offer.

"Does my brother get like that often," Carver asked in a whisper.

"No. He tends to bottle it all away and hide it from the world until no one else is around to see him fall to pieces. Your brother is as human as you or I, Carver."

"Minus our darkspawn tainted blood, you mean?" I smiled. It was easy to forget that the two of us were wardens, sometimes. But he's right, Hawke is even more human than us in that regard.

"Is he asleep?" Carver nodded, rubbing his eyes tiredly. 

"For now. The pain was bad, though. I'm not sure how long he'll sleep," whispered Carver, his face exhausted.

"I can make sure he gets a full night's sleep tonight." But I can't guarantee that it'll work tomorrow, or the next night. Hawke is resilient to many things, magic being one of them. Carver caught me before I entered the room.

"With magic," he asked curiously? "Can I see how it's done?"

"If you'd like. Let's be quiet, though." The two of us entered the room as quietly as possible, our footsteps light on Hawke's floor. Carver shut the door behind us gently before turning to watch me work. I walked over to Hawke's side as quietly as I could, taking his hand. I shut my eyes and summoned my magic whilst whispering lowly an incantation to calm him and lessen the pain. He visibly eased up, his arms relaxing slightly and his brow unfurrowing. 

"That's all it takes," Carver asked, stepping closer. I stood straight, setting Hawke's hand down.

"That's all it takes. He won't wake before dawn." I sighed, sitting down at Hawke's feet. "How many did you see?"

"Does it matter? I could have only seen him die once and it'd have been one two many." He wasn't wrong there.

"Without even realizing it, I kept track of how many times it happened, and I remember each one vividly," I said before taking a deep breath. "Thirty-seven times. And then some tranquil deaths."

"He was made tranquil? He's often said he'd rather die than lose his connection to the fade." And with his last breaths he would always ask that I grant him death.

"As awful as it was to see him lose himself, it was worse to see his heart cut out." Carver didn't respond, and I glanced over to him. He was staring down at Hawke with an odd look on his face. "Carver?"

"Never, not even when we were kids, has my brother leaned on me for support. Even when he's near death, he stands alone. How much is he hurting, for him to cling to me like he did before?" I couldn't answer that, but hearing his screams in my head I could imagine a fraction of his pain.

"You saw some of what happened to him. That pain is still with him," I said, pulling the blanket over Hawke. 

"And will he be okay?"

"Not for a long time, I don't think." 

* * *

I knocked on the door but there was no answer. As I pushed it open slightly I could see Hawke sitting on the floor by his bed. I opened the door the rest of the way, stepping in. Hawke looked up at me, eyes tired and dark circles forming under them.

"Are you alright, Love?" I reached for his hand but found it slippery. 

"I thought... I thought if... I could rewrite the pain then it'd fade away," he said, letting his hand slip from mine. As it landed in his lap his arm was revealed, as well as the bite marks and long gashes on it. "It didn't work. I barely even felt it past the rest of the pain."

"Hawke!" I kneeled down, shutting my eyes tight and grasping his arm so hard I almost worried he'd pull away. As quickly as I could manage, I summoned my healing abilities. Hawke sighed, more out of exhaustion than relief. As I opened my eyes he was staring at the floor between his legs, his face blank once more. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know what to do, Anders." He was still covered in blood, but the teeth marks on his arm were gone, as well as the scratches.. 

"I can lessen the pain, Hawke. You know that!" He didn't look up at me, and I realized with growing dread why he was doing this. "It isn't working anymore, is it?"

"Barely. It sometimes works for a minute or two, before it all comes crashing down on me again."

"Then we'll think of something else!" I pulled him up, holding him as he stumbled. "What about a drink? If we keep you drunk enough you're bound to not feel it!" 

"I'm pretty sure becoming a drunkard isn't going to help me in the long run." He said, gripping my shoulders as he took a deep breath. "Anders, I can't do this forever." I pulled him close, not wanting to hear this.

"Stop. It won't be for forever, it'll stop eventually." 

"I can't take much more of it," he said, his breath hot on my arm where his face rested.

"You're strong, you can make it." He didn't answer. I tried to hold hope that his silence was agreement.


End file.
